I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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