I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
