Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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