apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
