he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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