Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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