he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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