I am puke
i think my mom watched the whole time
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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