Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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