imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
