Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
