From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
