I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize