During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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