I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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