Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My pussy is not your playground.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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