Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
