They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
