It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
His nipple licking is glorious
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