I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
