he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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