I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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