I think I am morally bankrupt
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
