I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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