Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
