You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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