Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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