so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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