I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
