Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
