I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
