there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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