Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
its not stalking. its research.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
