i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
