This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sober January is a disaster.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
