I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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