I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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