My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
