Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
