I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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