I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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