like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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