By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
