I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
