I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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