it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
