Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
