You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
