my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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