Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
