she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
