8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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