Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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