Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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