Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
