We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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