shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
