also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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