Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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