sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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