ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
