Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
