this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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