If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
