Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
