The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
