so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
barbara walters just said penis...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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